More of the Best Google Search Terms...

As I am successfully putting off writing for another 15 or so minutes, here is the second installment of the most recent search terms that led people to my blog (since the last listing). Some are funny, some are weird, some are bizarre, and some are totally awesome. Each search phrase is linked to its landing page, in case you are curious to how some of these searches could have possibly brought people here. FYI, the list is in no particular order and I did not edit out any of the grammatical and/or spelling errors, so what you see is what they searched.

• "most hypocritical bastards ever" brings you here
• "these are the times that try your soul, because deciding between the interests of your dear ones and the demands of your libido" Which I thought was awesome until I went to the landing page for this particular phrase.
• "sexy political women" and related term, "sexy political bitches" Damn right! (Landing page)
• "'insomnia' suck blogspot" brings you here. The odd use of quotation marks are the best part.
• "no special rights for christians" brings you here. Damn right!!
• "40 year old sexpots"
• "academic dreams" goes here.
• "advantage husband old" from a searcher in Malaysia.
• "african fucking girls pictures" - I have no idea why this would bring someone to my homepage, but it did...
• "because i am smarter than you and i'm going" Ha!
• "dreaming of holding a conversationg" goes here. And I'm glad I'm not the only one.
• "gendered non-traditionally"
• "i'm just smarter than everybody else" Damn right, I am.
• "people who can't speel" I shit you not.
• "sex pot kings" So are they the kinds of pot and sex or sexpot kings?
• "my boyfriend taught me and how to pee standing" which is awesomely kinky, especially if you tack on "...over his face" to the end of it. (landing page)
• My absolute favorite, and possible new entry in the DSM-V, "i'm smarter than you personality disorder"

And the top searched terms people used to find my blog are:

1. Some form of "gospel singer Mark Lowry gay" (which sucks cause the entry on Lowry was just a copy/paste of the article and nothing I wrote)
2. "funny astrology" or "funny horoscope" (how boring)
3. Some form of "political pickup lines"
4. "70's tennis player costume" (This one was actually number one for the month of October)
5. Ironically, "search terms that led to my blog" is garnering quite a bit of traffic since my last search terms blog

Doctors and Dentists and Deadlines, Oh My!

So, I have a shit ton o' work to do but I'm taking a break to tell you that I love my doctor. My Primary Care Physician is a super-religious man who doesn't believe in evolution and always cracks at least 5 jokes referencing the age difference between me and hubbie (he's our family doc so he also loves to tease my stepkids by asking about their "new sister" when they go in with their dad...). He also blames everything that ails me on my vegetarianism (or being married to an "old guy"). Some of his jokes are tolerable because they give me a chance to come up with some snarky comeback, displaying my infallible wit (Ha!), and he stares at my boobs a lot (which is funnier than his jokes).

But I can overlook all of his misdiagnoses and pseudo-comedy for the fact that, although his patients typically describe his script writing as "stingy" (to say the least), he never holds out on me when it comes to the good meds. I don't know if it's because I'm so witty or so titty, but I always get the good shit without having to ask. Hell, maybe it's cause I don't ask for it. Whatever. All I know is I had an appointment today to get him to look at my face again (I've had a crazy rash since June, which he has misdiagnosed twice now, bastard) and I walked out of his office with antibiotics (for my impetigo, the latest diagnosis, and I believe the correct one), a hand full of Soma samples (and not like 4 but like 24), and a script for 60 Lortab. Granted, in addition to the Impetigo mess on my face (not the impetigo that has crazy pus-filled blisters, by the way, but the strep strain one, which still looks like shit though not as leprous as the staph one...but I digress), I also mentioned the immense pain caused by throwing my back out last week. It has gotten better than it was (think unrelenting sharp pain when you move and when you're completely still), and I mentioned that it isn't as bad this week, but, like I said, he throws the good shit at me. Maybe he feels sorry for me because he thinks it must suck to have caught "being old and decrepit" from my hubbie (which explains all aches and pains, apparently).

Anyway, just thought I'd brag about my awesome legal stash of drugs. I also went to the dentist to get a replacement crown (my permanent crown, done by a different DDS, recently shattered) and they pulled some strings (aka forged some documents, I think) to get it covered by my insurance (fucking enough with the preexisting condition clauses already). Saved me $800. Today was a good healthcare day, thanks to the health care providers and not the insurance fuckwads, of course.

Oh yeah, and shame on you, Maine. I cried when I heard about your vote to deny legal marriage rights to same-sex couples, even though this basic civil right had already been granted by your state legislators. And I never fucking cry. Just think, if they had let the states vote on slavery and racial equality laws, we'd still have slaves in the South... This is why equality legislation needs to be enacted at the federal level. There are too many small-minded, religious fucks who are stuck in their hateful ways to ever move past this unfair, yet still legal, discrimination present in our state law books.

And, kudos for trying, Washington State, but "separate but equal" is not equal. I mean, personally, if I had fallen for a lady, marriage wouldn't have been a big deal for me. Let the church keep their ancient rites. The institution of marriage is an archaic practice based on religious beliefs anyway. I only got married for the tax breaks (and the life insurance). To me, love doesn't need the constraints of ancient tradition to thrive (monogamy isn't natural, but that's an entirely different blog). Civil unions are alright with me and my hypothetical lady love. I would just want the same legal rights that the privileged heterosexuals get when they get hitched. But, if you are going to do this "separate but equal" crap and turn marriage into this holy grail that cannot be sullied by us dirty homos, then you have made it into what it is. Civil unions for everyone (gay or straight) and let the church perform their marriage ceremonies as a separate entity OR legal marriage for everyone. Love is love is love is love and no one can govern that, no matter how hard you try.

Dick with the Truth Segment: Entertainment?? Really?

So here is my "I can't fucking believe there is an audience for this shit" list:

• The Saw movies (seriously, who the fuck is buying enough tickets to this torture-porn bullshit that could warrant FIVE sequels???)
• Jeff Dunham (A ventriloquist who perpetuates stereotypes about Muslims, African-Americans, the elderly, Latinos, and purple hand puppets with green hair? And he's not funny. Ever. Even if this mega-douche was funny, I couldn't watch his act out of sheer principle.)
• Glenn Beck (Pull the silver spoon out of your ass, you whiny bitch. There's nothing more pathetic than a pasty white 40-something year old man-child who smears vaporub underneath his eyes to get out of being logical. You need a truth enema, asshole.)
• Tyra Banks (Take your cutesy psuedo-feminism and shove it up your "va-jay-jay", please.)
• Rock of Love, all of its spin-offs, Flava-of-Love, that Tila Tequila bullshit...basically everything that is on MTV and VH1 these days. Get a fucking life, people. I can't stand drama in my own life and I sure as hell don't want to watch a bunch of fuck-wads feigning emotional hell on TV either.
• Perez Hilton. Okay, we get it. Your a bitchy, gay latino who loves to hate celebrities and draw penises all over their pictures. Over it. (Props for bringing down that Carrie Prenshaw blowhard though)
• Jennifer Aniston movies (all of them)
• The Blue Collar Comedy Tour (You know you're a redneck if you think this bullshit is funny. Personally, it makes me want to throw myself in front of a speeding Nascar...car. Oh, the redundancy!)
• And finally... All the Fucking Vampire Bullshit!! When did vampires become cool again*?? (*Whether they were ever actually cool is debatable.) Sure, I'll admit, I watched a couple episodes of Buffy here and there (mainly only the ones that centered around that super-hot Faith chick) and The Lost Boys is a classic...But that was over a decade ago!! Jesus, how many different twists can there possibly to a vampire plot? They live forever, suck blood, and you can kill them with wooden stakes if you use nubile teen girls as bait. That's it. Holy fuck.

70's Porn Star Portraying a Tennis Player

So...

I have received around 25 hits in the last 2 weeks from people who googled "70's tennis player costume" so I thought I'd go ahead and post the only pictures that exist from last Halloween that captured me dressed up as a "1970's Porn Star Portraying a Tennis Player". So here you go, in case you need some guidance for your costume. What you can't see are my matching "goldenrod" knee-high socks and boyshorts (goldenrod boyshorts w/burnt orange lining...I don't know how much more 1970 you can get, people!). The shoes were platform slip-on tennis shoes (in the style of Ked, but more ghetto...and w/platform heels, duh.).

From the front (Don't even ask me. All I remember is Amy Winehouse, Tooth Fairy, and Disco Dancing Cocaine O.D. God only knows wtf "Shiny Pants" is supposed to be.)

From the back (yeah, Amy Winehouse lost her cash and ID that night, in case you were wondering)


Be safe and have fun, people.

National Coming Out Day 2009

Hey everybody,

Today is National Coming Out Day and though I have been "out" for around 5 years now, in case you didn't know...I like boys AND girls! Woot!
The way I was raised, to believe that homosexuality is a choice, I never even thought about being attracted to women, yet I was. I remember my first real girl crush, and I even have a video diary entry lamenting over how beautiful and smart and funny she was...but I didn't get it then. I was so head-over-heels for her but I still stated my feelings toward her being "Like being in love but she's a girl so not" or something like that.
All those stereotypically lesbian attributes, that was/is me. I can change my own oil, change a flat tire in less than 5 minutes (in a dress without getting a smudge of grime on more than my fingers, no less), tune-up an American car (I miss you, 85 Dodge Charger and 84 Mustang...), was a tomboy growing up (only girl allowed in the "boy fort"; loved fishing, football, dissecting stuff, throwing worms at girls, and math; taught myself how to pee standing up - I know, TMI...), not overtly emotional, take up lots of "personal space" (e.g. taking up half the park bench when I sit down), competitive, overtly sexual, etc. etc. etc. Maybe these are stereotypes for a reason, although I know plenty of lesbians who have no idea how to even check their car's fluids, are extremely emotional, won't touch a bug, hate sports, and love Sex & the City (I know, I've dated them...Ha!).
I've always been attracted to women. Naked women have always turned me on more than men. I remember getting drunk at 19 with my ex-boyfriend and "hitting the club" where apparently I kept flirting with girls and telling them how pretty they were, warranting my ex's friends to tell him they thought I had "lesbian tendencies". I dismissed it at the time but soon realized the truth...I do have lesbian tendencies. Ha.
So from the age of 19 years, I've claimed that when it comes to having a romantic connection with someone, I won't discriminate against age, sex, or race. I'm an equal opportunity lover!
So, there. Yours truly is a big, fat bi-sexual and I will never be ashamed of my love for the ladies (and the menfolks).

Happy Coming Out Day to all of you "first-timers". I hope you get the respect and acceptance that we all deserve.

-Me

Bi-Pride (he he)

Dilemma Solved!!

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Best Halloween Costume Ever!!

Costume Dilemma

So, I'm having a hard time coming up with a good costume idea for Halloween this year. Since 2002, I have used decades as themes for my costume (mostly).

• 2002 - 50's housewife (vintage sweater, pearls, skirt, hair flip bob thing)
• 2003 - 80's prom date (that shouldn't need describing ha)
• 2004 - 60's movie star incognito (fancy dress, "diamonds", trench coat, Audrey Hepburn scarf, giant sunglasses)
• 2005 - Geisha (Not part of the theme. An anomaly that got me a date with a hot chick.)
• 2006 - Slutty Dorothy (Also not part of the theme but I did it for G, who had to be the Tin Man at work)
• 2007 - Drapes (hahaha. I was broke so I wore a dress I already owned that was made out of material that resembled drapery and bought a $7 dollar curtain rod. Talk about creative. hahaha)
• 2008 - 70's porn star playing a tennis player (bad ass slutty 70's tennis dress - the inspiration for this costume, tennis racket, matching knee highs and "boyshorts", white platform sneakers, wrist bands, rainbow addidas tennis headband)

Anyway, I'm having a hard time coming up with some other decade-themed costume. It's gotta be gayborhood block party friendly. Maybe I should just hit some thrift stores until I find some inspiration. I was thinking 40's pin up girl but it's so cliche. Maybe 90's rock star's crackwhore wife (inspired by Courtney, of course) or 80's high school bad girl (complete with Whitesnake acid wash denim jacket). Any ideas? I'm almost ready to throw in the towel on the decade theme and just go with Princess Leia like the total nerd that I am.